Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Resurfacers

A "Resurfacer" is someone from your past who you arbitrarily receive text or calls from days, months or even years later.  (Elapsed times vary in length.)  Some examples: 

  1. 5 years later booty call:  I dated a guy when I first moved to Santa Monica who wast nice enough but alas, it did not last.  So I am sleeping on a random Tuesday night several months ago and I get a text from a number I don’t recognize at 2:00 AM saying “Hey babe.  Where are you?”  I waited until the next morning to text back and said “Who is this?”  He says, “Matt,” (Well, that narrows it down to about 5.)   I say, “Matt?”  He says, “Yes, from Germany.”  (Now narrowed down to 2.)  After thinking for a while, I realized it was a particular Matt I dated FIVE YEARS AGO.  I could be married with 2 kids by now, dude. 
  2. Periodic resurfacer:  This guy just doesn’t stop.  Dated him about 4 years ago.  Like clockwork, I get the “Hey babe”  every 3 months or so. Some in the middle of the day, some middle of the night.  When I entertain it with the text back, (something like, “Not much.  How are ya?”)  it ends up being a 20-part text  exchange usually ending in “Can I see you tonight?”  Oh wait, ending in ,”No.”
  3. In-between relationship resurfacers:  I can always tell if one of these guys has just gotten out of a relationship.  Usually by their facebook.  All photos disappear of the 2 of them together and newsfeed says, “so and so has gone from in In A Relationship to Single.”  Then I get the text or call, “What’s goin on tonight?”  No thanks. 
  4. Realization resurfacers:  “I have dated so many girls and none of them are you.”  Too late. 

Monday, January 31, 2011

Friend losing hope

I got this e-mail from a friend who would like to remain anonymous. 

"i went through 45 pages of potential guys online today and didn't find anyone i would even consider going on a date with. instead i found these dudes:

1. shirt-off dude (usually also includes a pic of him and his motorcycle), or trying to disguise it as "a day at the beach".
2. Sober guys. There's always a story associated with these ones, and I don't wanna be their sponsor. Next.
3. dude that is overly aggressive about "not wanting drama, pscyhopaths, chicks who are married, etc."
4. EMO DUDES! the "creative types" that have too artsy of profile pics, hang out in Silverlake, and are trying to "make it" in their spare time, but have a desk job to "pay the bills" (damn the Man). eye liner is involved in at least one pic.
5. guys in "the industry" or are trying to break their way into it. "actor" dudes who only have head shots for profile pics, video production guys, cameramen, etc. I don't care what shoot you just worked on, or who you saw on the lot today.
6. ugly dudes. 'nuff said.
7. dudes that are giving their lives for "underprivileged kids" and make $20k. I will consider myself underprivileged when you don't pick up the check.
8. red heads.
9. One-upper guys. When I ask if they've seen Black Swan, they respond with "Yeah, I've seen all the nominated films." When I mention in my profile that I'm good at correcting grammatical errors, they send a ridiculous message taunting me to correct the "3 strategically placed errors in the last paragraph". I don't want to compete with you, I'm just trying to start a damn conversation!!!


Where the hell are the tall, bigger built, beer-drinking, football-watching normal dudes that make a decent living and can hold a conversation? I'm losing hope in LA.... "

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Lost in Text.

I believe we did ourselves a terrible injustice by introducing text messaging into our lives.  Especially our dating lives.  Does it say something about the laziness of today's humans?  Or is it just that we don't want to be bothered with actually hearing each others voices?  Here are some example of texts in the world of dating. 

1.  The "Jab."
This is usually a one-liner that is intended to put the receiver in his or her place.  It is "The last word" (even though it usually isn't.) 
"Guess not." (This is usually if you don't text this person back right away.)
"You don't look or act your age."  (My 38 year-old friend actually received this one.  I told her to say, "Wow, THANKS!"
"Don't bother texting back."  (I won't.)

2. The Breakup 
When did it become acceptable to break-up with someone via text?  I can see if you are 17, but full-grown men and women are partaking in text break-ups.  These are sometimes 3 or 4 part texts.  (Probably best to break-up.)

3. The Fight
Back-and-forth and back-and-forth.  And of course half of the material is misunderstood because there is no tone nor inflection in cyberland.  The best is when you finally call them to talk it out and they don't pick up their phone.  I got a text once that said, "You're mean."  I thought he was trying to be flirty and cute.  So I texted him back, "You're mean."  Turns out, he thought I was mean.* 
*footnote:  if you don't know me, I am really nice.  I have been called "too nice."

4.  The Unscolicited Naked Photo Texts
The worst one is when shirtless guys pull their pants down just above genitals and snap a photo of themself in the bathroom mirror.  And incidentally, why don't they smile in these?  You usually get the "Blue Steel."
Then there are bolder ones who just go straight for the erect penis photo.  Hot if you are engaged in phone sex or if you have requested this photo.  If not, just stick to the "Hope you're having a good day."  Which brings me to.....

5. The Small Talk Texts
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"What's up?" 
What are you supposed to text back to this?  "Fine.  How are you?"  "Not much. What's up with you?"  It's all very confusing.

6. Acronyms
LOL, OMG, LMAO.  The list goes on.  I believe it's best just to stick with "Ha ha." 

7. The Last-Minute Text Cancel
My friend Joel just posted on my Facebook to not forget how women love to text last-minute to cancel a date.  I bet it looks something like this: "Don't kill me but I have been throwing up all day and am not getting better. I am SOOOOO sorry. Raincheck?"

I was told by several people that I should put some examples in this blog of good things men do. 
So here goes:  CALL, nice texts like "thinking of you,"  text photos of sunsets....or animals.  If you are one of these guys, you're doing it right.  Kudos.

Friday, January 14, 2011

On-line intros

So I got this e-mail the other day from one of my guy friends:
"On internet dating. What does a dude normally say to you on first greeting? Does he just say Hey? Does he compliment you on something? Does he actually do a full on introduction "Hi my name is so and so, I do this job, I make this much, I like you. we should go out." Just curious if there is a rhyme or reason to anything."

When I was reading this I thought, "Oh, this is a good one for Bad Date LA!"   
So I am going to break it up into sections because I have experienced so many creative (and not-so-creative) intros. 

1. Overly-confident intro
(These guys usually have their shirt off in their profile pic.)
"So what do you think?  Think you can handle it?"  (Yep, copy and pasted, folks.)
"I have been told I am quite the catch!"
"I put all those other guys to shame."
"I am extrememly handsome, very wealthy and hilarious."  (Extremely.  It makes me chuckle just reading it.) 

2. The form letter intro
Generic full-bio cut and pasted intro.  These guys are so transparent because when you don't write back, they forget they contacted you and you get the exact same e-mail 2 months later.

3. The spontaneous inpromptu date intro
These guys send out an e-mail testing to see how spontaneous you are.  "Why don't we throw caution to the wind and meet at Spago in an hour?"  Or the hotel room one: "I am staying at the Marriot in Westwood.  Whattya say you come down here and join me tonight?"  (Also cut and pasted.)

4. Already in love intro
These guys have looked over my profile and decided they are in love before even meeting me.  "You are the one I have been searching for."  "Where have you been all my life?"  "Let's run away together."  "Will you marry me?" 

5. Short and not-sweet intro
"Hey"  (No name...nothing....just  "hey.")
"You're hot."  or better yet, "Your hot." 

6. The rare witty attention grabber
I have received some e-mail intros that had me laughing out loud.  Those are the ones I write back.....unless they're 5'2".

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Guest bloggers. Share your stories...Men, don't be shy!

I want to open this up to YOUR dating stories.  Please post your funniest dating story here in the comment section.  I can NOT wait to start reading!  Ready?......GO!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Match.bomb

#1 Hi Guy
My first time attempting Match.com last year.  A man finds me who is a high-profile actor and extremely handsome.  His profile is a bit long-winded (and I use that term loosely …it was an essay,)  but what the heck?  So he picks me up and seems charming enough.  He starts talking immediately and doesn’t stop.  When he does stop talking, he takes a pause and a breath and looks at me coyly and says, “hi.”  He said “hi” about 20 times throughout the evening.  At the end of the night, I said, “bye.” 


#2 Travelling Business Man (This one can best be described by our text exchanges-"E" is me and "B" is him)
(after date)
B:Finally got into bed.  This is wonderful.  It was great to meet you.  I enjoyed talking, seeing ocean park and our little stairway romance!  Good night.
(next morning)
E:  Hi!  Just got your text.  I had a great time last night.  Hoping to see you next week.  Have a great day
(He flies to Georgia for "business") 
Thursday (supposed to be flying in today and our date is tomorrow)
E:  so is it safe to assume were not going out tomorrow night?
B: (sent at 1 p.m.) yes, a safe assumption.  I haven’t been loquacious.  I almost wasn’t going to be there, and didn’t want to be rude. I land at 2.  are you free around 3pm? (Keep in mind that it is 1 p.m. so I guess he is texting from the airplane??)
E: no, I have to teach 2:30-6.  that text was confusing.  Whats up?
B: yes it was!  I cant tell even now just what my words meant.  We should hang out.  Id like to keep getting to know you.  Tomorrow night ok? I still haven’t shaved.
E: can you call me?  You're kinda trippin me out.
B: cant now.  I'm with my family.  Ill text in a couple hours…
E:  I think I'm going to pass.  Good luck to you.

#3  Ugly Christmas Tree
Talked on phone 3 times…hit it off.   Had him meet me at a Halloween party and he is gorgeous!  My friends and I thought it would be funny to dress as something non-traditional and un-sexy this year so I dressed super ugly as big Christmas tree.  Needless to say, I think he thought I didn’t look like my photos.   My mom asked me if I was trying to sabotage myself.  Ha.

#4 The Hypochondriac
Talked on the phone with this guy for a total of several hours.  Seemed very cool.  Had a great date and even planned second date right away.  He calls day of date to cancel because he has a pinched nerve.  2 days later I get this e-mail on Match.com from him:


"So, I started losing my ability to read with my left eye the night of our first date, and my vision as of this morning has gone from 20/20 to 20/120. My doctor told me it’s time for another surgery…

Here are a couple of videos that best describe the procedure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kco8aseNCgo&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g98qNWDxKrs&feature=related

Make sure you're not eating anything before starting the videos.

While this isn't exactly the diagnosis I have, it's essentially the same surgery. They have to peel off this membrane that has formed and is pulling the retina in all different directions, causing an adema on the macula.

Sad to say, I'm not going to be much up for dating for a short while. please dont' be offended if I just seem to go away.. I basically am :-)"


Really with the video?  I never watched it.


#5 "Top Gun"
This dude said he was a graduate of TOPGUN.  F-14 pilot.  Well, that was back in the day.  Now he is an actor. He walked away from me at the coffee house register and started singing Christmas carols LOUDLY through the place looking for a table... "Walking in a Winter Wonderland!"  He is one of those loud-talker guys where everyone in the restaurant keeps turning around and looking. I was saved when I realized my meter was about to run out.  This dude also picked up a piece of toilet paper from the ground saying, "I wonder if this got stuck to someone's foot?!"

in the beginning...

#1 Soldier boy
I went to entertain the troops in Bosnia and ended up dating a soldier from Fort Drum.  He came out to see me in LA twice and then proposed.  He was 22...I was 37.  Proposal #1.  I said no. 


#2  The Disappearing Brit
Met a British man when I was in Sarajevo and he came out to LA to see me and flew me to England to see him.  We decided he would move to the States and we would get married.  When I was leaving Heathrow we said, "I love you" and I never heard from him again. 


# 3 The Marine (not to be confused with Army dude from Bosnia that proposed.)
So I’m dating a Marine I met at a bar in Santa Monica.  He is walking with a crutch and woos me with his stories of Iraq. Shows me his bullet wound on his leg.  Wow,  what a MAN!  Granted, he is a little young (25) but he is putting himself in harms way for the safety of me and my fellow Americans!  I find out 2 months in that he is actually 20 and was shot at a gas station in Houston.

#4  Myspace breakup
Met a musician on Sunset Blvd from England and fell MADLY in love.  Had a whirlwind romance.  I left for a dance job on a cruise ship 2 weeks later so I had limited communication besides the internet.  I guess this gave him liberty to do the “Myspace breakup” as I call it. 

#5 The FBI agent and the government witness
I am subpoenaed to appear as a government witness in San Antonio in 1999.  I fly there and get picked up by a hot FBI agent.  We have a definite attraction but cannot do anything about it for obvious reasons.  I got a call from him 2 months after the case is over and we meet up in Dana Point for a romantic rendezvous.  It has the makings of an incredible relationship, but turns out he is too Ward Cleaver for my likings.

#6 Double D with the V
A friend tells me there is a 40-year old man she met who she feels is my “soul mate.”  She says he looks like Brad Pitt and to trust her on this one.  So I have no choice but to trust her, right?  Well, I won’t go into the gory details of the date, but key occurrences are as follows: 
Double D:  So, I got the “V!”  I’m 40 and I got the “V!”  Girls like that, right?  The “V?”  (The V is the muscles coming from your abs to your groin forming a “V”)
(later)
Double D:  Are you ready?!!  (Shouting across the parking lot as we are leaving.)
Me:  For what?
Double D:  To see my TATS? (Whips off his shirt to show me his “tats.”)
Not Brad Pitt.

#7 Confrontation from Slovakia
While performing on a cruise ship, I meet the most incredible Romanian.  Obvious intense chemistry but nothing happens because he has a Slovakian girlfriend who is also on the ship.  2 months later while back in LA, I get a call from him saying he left her and wants to fly me to Miami to meet him. I fly to Miami for one night and have the time of my life.  We part ways with the assumption we will pursue a relationship.  Never heard from him again…but I did hear from Slovakian girlfriend 4 months later saying she found our e-mail exchanges and letting me know they had never broken up and were actually engaged. 

#8 Neurosurgeon
Also has the makings of something great.  I meet him at a networking event and he is a good-looking and charming doctor.  We go out on many dates and I am thinking, “I could MARRY this guy!”  I post a picture on Facebook of the 2 of us sitting at a table.  (Nothing risqué, not even sitting close to each other.)  I get a Facebook message from him that a patient of his knows a guy who knows me and was offended by the photo so please take it down!  Firstly,  my Facebook profile is blocked so no “patient” of his could view my photos.  Secondly, random dude is offended by a photo of me sitting at a table with someone? 

#9 Visa proposal
I am dancing in a Latin Cirque show and start dating the son of the show owner.  He is this beautiful Chilean with a heart of gold.  Singer.  I am so happy spending the next 3 months with him…running around with the show and hanging out.  He then gives me this sob story about how he will be deported back to Chile if he does not get married.  So I get my second proposal.  I said no.